After decades of driving interstate highways I have come to the conclusion that there is something just as certain as death and taxes: left lane riders on the interstate who refuse to budge.
You know the ones. We all do. They are the sadistic masters of torture on our nation’s main arteries, impeding traffic, creating backups that can stretch for miles, and in the process, turning everyone trapped behind them into wild-eyed-blood-thirsty-fire-breathers.
And for what? That is the nagging question. It eats at me in these situations like an itch that can never quite be scratched. Years of thought devoted to the subject (what else am I doing to do while trapped in the left lane behind one of these types?) has produced a few conclusions - purely my humble opinion - but conclusions nonetheless.
The biggest problem is that we aren’t dealing with a single source. There are as many root causes to this problem as there are snakes on Medusa’s head, which offers a first clue as to why we are no further along in dealing with this than we were when Dwight D. Eisenhower facilitated the nationwide interstate system.
Lack of enforcement is one problem. Incorrect driver training is another. A third problem is the various personality types found behind these wheels, combined with the invention of cruise control, and exacerbated by those who cannot talk on a cell phone and drive a car at the same time (and shouldn’t be doing that anyway).
A quick look at a few common threads that can be found behind these left-lane-hugging wheels is offered here. This is not a comprehensive list, by the way - just a handy pocket guide. In my mind, there is an interactive neon sign in my back window that I can customize with messages for each of them as I finally sail past and break free. The thought of it helps me cope.
The unqualified driver - This is the person who merges at 48mph, causing the right lane coming up behind them to lock it down, and then veers over suddenly into the left lane in front of a screaming fast eighteen-wheeler - still at 48mph. These types usually find another slow driver at 48mph in the right lane to ride beside for the next 32 miles. My little sign flashes: Go home and turn in your drivers license to the nearest agency.
The stickler - This one carries a perpetual rule book for all things in their back pocket just for the comfort of knowing it’s there. They enjoy whipping it out and using it to correct others. You will find them on the highway doing the exact speed limit - not one mile over, not one mile under. If they come upon a car deviating from that speed at all, they will dutifully slide into the left lane, but don’t expect another thing from them after that. They will hang right there doing the speed limit. It matters not one bit that 16 cars and five freight trucks are backing up behind them. When you ask (and I have heard an acquaintance actually say this), they will tell you that no one is going to force them to break the law and exceed the speed limit. If it takes them 27 minutes to get past the car they are trying to pass, then that is a safe and happy 27 minutes in their book. Never mind the mayhem happening behind them. My little sign flashes: If you have been in this lane for more than two minutes, you never should have pulled out to pass in the first place.
The confused - A first cousin of “the unqualified”, this person was taught by a drivers ed instructor (who I would personally like to strangle with bare hands) that when you are on the interstate, you should “go with the flow of traffic”. In their confused mind, that translates this way: “Find someone to ride beside and stay there”. My little sign flashes: Look in your rearview mirror. All 273 of those cars are backed up because of you. Your instructor was an idiot.
The cruise-controller - He has it set on 68mph and he is in the left lane trying to pass someone else on cruise control who has it set on 67mph. Neither of them plans to budge or reset their cruise button. God forbid. Better that we all line up behind them as far as the eye can see - because cruise control. My little sign flashes: It won’t kill you to reset cruise, but one of us will if you don’t get out of the way.
The king of his domain - This one uses multiple excuses for why he is in the left lane and the rest of the free world is trapped behind him, but beneath all the noise usually lurks a personality who absolutely positively needs to be in complete control of everyone around him. He may tell you that the pavement is “smoother” in the left lane, or that it’s dangerous to follow a car in the right lane, or that the two lanes were created so that folks wouldn’t have to drive behind another car - but the translation always boils down to “Yes, I know you can’t get by, but this is my road as much as it is yours, and I earned this front row, and I deserve it and I intend to keep it.” This type is usually the one who will deliberately hang in front of you - looking in his rearview mirror every few minutes to let you know that he sees you back there and doesn’t care, and then when you finally manage an opening in the right lane and attempt to pass, he will speed up and race you rather than give up his throne. And I have no sign for him. He doesn’t deserve another ounce of attention.
The oblivious - Clueless, they are on the highway physically but otherwise they are somewhere else. These drivers are frequently on cell phones, or half asleep, or very very old, or drunk, or a combination of any of this - but they haven’t looked in a rearview mirror in 8 years and connect no dots between their presence in the left lane and the 10-mile caravan stacking up behind them. My little sign flashes: If you need a nap, take it in the right lane.
There are hopeful developments, although scattered. The State of Virginia has it boiled down to this - and they’re proud to put it on highway signs: “The left lane is for passing, not for cruising.” I personally know a State Trooper in NC who says he gives tickets for impeding traffic whenever the opportunity presents itself. I think the State of South Carolina recently enacted a law that limits you to five minutes in a left lane, but unless a trooper is there to observe your infraction, you might as well be that tree that falls in the forest and doesn’t make a sound. Bottom line, this problem has never been a priority, and I don’t hold out hope that it ever will be. We always seem to have bigger fish to fry.
Still, if y’all think maybe the neon sign thing might have potential, let’s pass the hat and get to work on a prototype. Short of that plan, I have nothing, but if Dwight D. Eisenhower was here, I’ll bet he would know what to do.
Yes, yes, YES!! I've always wanted a sign for those left lane cruisers! And don't even get me started on those who think merging at less than the speed of traffic is acceptable 🙄
AMEN!